My Review of The Paris Hilton Sex Tape

My Review of the Paris Hilton Sex Tape

I have feelings. All kinds of feelings. Hell, let’s face it, I’m a man of deep emotion.

And that’s why I’m here today to write my review of the Paris Hilton sex tape. Or the mpeg file as it is in my case.

My friend recently gave me a computer so I could transfer all of my files from the ramshackle laptop they are on now. After stealing as many design programs as I could from a file sharing program and transferring them onto the new computer I decided it was time I too saw the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Here’s my review (and a little advice to the ladies out there). Overall I think Paris Hilton has taken a lot of undeserved abuse over this video. Her tits aren’t that big. So what? That’s not what bothers me about her technique. And before we get into this let me say Paris completely redeems herself from the mistakes she makes earlier in her performance by going ahead and blowing the guy until he cums. High marks for that.

Ok, doggie style. If you don’t know ask somebody. The wet noodle technique she utilizes is perhaps the most frustrating faux pas women make during the doggie style. It’s hard enough to hit a stationary target, but when that thing is moving and wriggling around it’s well nigh impossible. And she’s a little narrow in the backside to begin with so when she starts trying to get all creative and assist in the process it’s like trying to get that one thing in that other thing that makes that thing on your DVD player to work. It ain’t happening.

She also does the other thing that makes it virtually impossible to do the doggie style right: she gets down low. No, no, no. This is bad. Take one for the team. Head down, ass up. Think of the Queen. But when you’re wiggling like an aenalid and keeping that thing lower to the ground than one of my iron shots there’s not much I can do to get in there. And it’s all about getting in there, Paris.

Here’s a cautionary tale for all you ladies. This is what might happen if you decide you want to get a little too active during the doggie style. One time I’m doing the doggie style and this woman decides it would help the process if she sort of started to anticipate my thrusting intervals and sort of give it a little more ooompha. First of all, thanks for thinking about me. But secondly, bad idea. Here’s why. Even though there’s no bone in a penis it can get kind of hard. And even though I’m not a piece of construction equipment I’ve been known to bring it with some force in short bursts. Long story short, but not too short, if that thing comes out of the thing it’s in and is out there in the elements it’s now kind of like a semi-hard weapon you might use to crush ice or something. Keep it where it belongs by not bucking like a rodeo bull and you’ll never have to worry about being impaled in the tailbone by an unidentified flying object.
Alright, back to Paris. I give it a two out of four stars. She’s a lot prettier than the jokes would lead you to believe. She completely has no concept of the doggie style and that’s a shame, but I would have to say the tehnician I saw trying to give it to her was no pro either. The tits aren’t spectacular but once again not as bad as advertised. She does break the fourth wall rule quite a bit and that’s distracting. Never treat a camera like an audience. Ignore a camera and it will be all that more attracted to you. That said: good for you Paris Hilton for taking charge of the situation and finishing things off with enthusiasm and a certain¬†proficiency.

Not worth a rent or a buy but worth a steal.

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